Meet a piano virtuoso/shrink/caterer and poet who never stopped starting over

Creating a vibrant, satisfying experience of aging sometimes means reinventing ourselves: taking on a new profession, pursuing a long-held dream, or remodeling our home, or ourselves, from the foundation on up. It can be really exciting – but also takes courage, and there isn’t a handy instruction guide for how to get started. So it’s inspiring and helpful to check in with people who have embarked on one or more reinventions and can attest to the risks and rewards.

Join host Jan M. Flynn in conversation with Crow’s Feet writer and podcast team member Jean Feldeisen, who never stopped starting over throughout a productive and creative life. From pursuing a doctorate in philosophy to running a catering business, to a long career as a psychotherapist, and recently transforming herself into a published poet, Jean approaches reinvention like she plays piano — in a spirit of exploration, fascination, and challenge.

She’s not afraid to start over. And when necessary, to go slower.

Jean Feldeisen (jeanfeldeisen.com) is the author of:

Not All Are Weeping, a poetry chapbook available through Main Street Rag

https://mainstreetragbookstore.com/product/not-all-are-weeping-jean-anne-feldeisen/

Dear Milly: A Love Story ‘Til the End of Time, the story of Jean’s parents and their love that survived and flourished through the Great Depression, World War II, and all the tumultuous times that followed. Dear Milly: a love story 'til the end of time'

Catching Fireflies with Argy Nestor is a “picture book for adults:” poems and imagery riffing on the seasons in Maine.* Available for $25 plus a $5 fee for shipping & handling Contact Jean at empowermepeople@gmail.com or Argy at meartsed@gmail.com. Let them know if you want your copy autographed.

Follow me at jeanfeldeisen.com.  Email me at empowermepeople@gmail.com

Join the fun.  To receive my bi-weekly email, click the link below. 

https://lp.constantcontactpages.com/su/BXZnupW

Transcript

Jean Feldeisen

As a therapist, one of my mottos was, if you are afraid of something, you got to go do it. Go do it. And to do it until you're not afraid anymore because I don't like that. That feeling of being afraid. I actually took all those courses for a degree in music and decided I couldn't face the senior recital. 

Voice Over  

This is Crow's Feet. A place where we ponder the question, Are these our golden years? Or does aging just suck? Well, yes, getting older is not for the faint-hearted. But aging also brings wisdom and humor, a finely tuned perspective on life. In our podcast, you'll meet writers and others rethinking our later years. People who inspire us to reimagine our future. 

You're listening to today's guest Jean Feldeisen practicing her piano skills. In addition to being a pianist, Jean is a Crow's Feet writer, a member of our podcast team. A recently retired psychotherapist, a fearless cook, who can crank out a meal for 100, and a published poet.

Jean Feldeisen

No, no, no, start over, go slower.

Jan M. Flynn

And as Jean has just demonstrated, she's not afraid to start over. Creating a full and vibrant life as we age often means reinvention, having the courage to start over, as Jean has done at multiple points in her long and varied career. I'm your host, Jan M. Flynn, and I'm thrilled to have Jean as my guest for this episode. Because she's so inspiring to me. She's someone who has continually reinvented herself adapting to, and taking advantage of the changes that life has sent her way. Welcome Jean Feldeisen.

Jean Feldeisen

Oh, thank you, Jan, I'm so excited to be one of your guests on one of our episodes,

Jan M. Flynn  02:14

You have reinvented yourself a number of times throughout your professional and personal life. So would you share with us what you think are some of those significant pivots that you've made?

Jean Feldeisen  02:24

Well, I've always wanted to do great things, like even as a kid, but it took me a long time to figure out exactly what they were. So I tried a lot of different things in the meantime. I've always been fascinated by words. And as a child, I collected words that, once I learned a new word, I wrote it down and put it in this collection of words, I was going to make a dictionary. And you know, a little later on, I began a mystery novel fashioned after Nancy Drew, and I won awards for it, and for, what are they called? Fire prevention essays, where you get a silver dollar for the top fire prevention essay, I always won those. 

I've been writing all my life. I also started writing poetry at a really young age. My mother read poetry to me, and I thought it was really cool. And I remember going to my grandmother's and seeing her poppy bed one time and coming home and writing a poem about it when I was six, and I still have that poem.

Jan M. Flynn  03:39

Wow.

Jean Feldeisen

I've saved all my, all my writings. For some reason, I thought they might be important, or they were important. And I saved them and copied them over from one notebook to another notebook and eventually to the computer. So I've been writing all my life, but I think it's always been a sideline to whatever else I was doing. 

Jan M. Flynn

So what are your other sort of major directions that you've taken in life like that you've pivoted from one to another?

Jean Feldeisen  03:46

I entered college planning on a career in medicine. I wanted to be a brain surgeon because I felt that sounded like the hardest. I liked biology and chemistry and all that. But I thought medicine sounded like the hardest and brain surgeon the hardest of all, so I was going to be a brain surgeon. But I quickly found that I didn't have any finesse with the scalpel. I cut through my fetal pig, the whole thing, you know, in the first week instead of the first layer. So I gave up on, well, I mean, you know, I became really curious about philosophy. So I started taking philosophy courses and ended up doing a double major in English Literature and philosophy. Long way from brain surgeon right?

Jan M. Flynn

Right. 

Jean Feldeisen

But in the middle of all that I got married, had a child, a daughter, and my husband and I built a house and I kind of dove into the whole homemaking thing. But my academic goals you know, they were at the back of my mind kind of nagging at me so it wasn't long before I was back in school again. 

I had my daughter in one of those little baby carriers with a handle when I went to register for courses. And I ended up receiving a degree in philosophy and English Literature at Stockton College in New Jersey. Then after that, I entered a Ph.D. program at Temple University. And I had to drive about 40 minutes to get to the train, and then take that train, and then another train into Philadelphia to get to Temple. So that was a strenuous commute. And I did that for about a year, and then I quit. That was not working, not working out. So I quit. And I was floundering around; didn't know what to do next, exactly. 

That was when I took a whole bunch of music courses. I did most of the coursework for a music degree, but I didn't want to play a senior recital. So I didn't take that degree. Changed directions again, so in the middle of all this floundering, I decided, why not be a caterer? I had a friend who wanted, who asked me if I wanted to cook for her daughter's wedding. And I said, Yeah, I think catering would be fun. I like to cook and plan parties and shop and find new recipes and that sort of thing. So I dove right into that. And for the next 10 years, I had a catering business. I catered things, from parties for eight in your home, to a football banquet for five hundred, to weddings for two and three hundred. Along with wedding cakes and…

Jan M. Flynn 

Wow!

Jean Feldeisen

It was quite an operation. I hired people to help me. I had mostly family members and friends. But I didn't do this all alone. But yeah, it was my business. So I did that for about 10 years. 

And then all the time I was catering I realized that this wasn't really my life’s dream. And along about 1987, my younger brother died at the age of 20. As you might imagine, it kicked our whole family into a couple of years of grieving. But it also gave me a kick in the pants and kind of, to get serious about what I wanted to do with my life. I had all these ambitions, and here I was, you know, catering. 

So I started taking career vocational courses and trying to figure out what I would be good at in a serious way. I didn't want to waste any more money on school doing something I wasn't sure I would like. And I interviewed people, I actually had a job in a mental health facility at Family Services Association, screening potential clients, and I got to know a lot of the therapists and psychologists there, and I was able to figure out what degree program would lead me to a career where I would really be needed and valued and where insurance companies would pay for my work. 

So I decided on social work and set out to get a master's degree in social work. And I did that at Rutgers University, Had to commute there too, but by then it was just part of the deal, as part of my decision, you know, and it went very well. So I graduated in 1996, with that degree, got some licenses, went through, jumped through a bunch of hoops to get licenses. And over the course of my career, I worked in three different hospital systems. And then 2006, I set up a private practice. And I've been doing that ever since till this year. I decided to retire.

Jan M. Flynn  08:17

It seems to me like one of the key ingredients in your ability to reinvent is the ability to decide that something isn't working out for you. It's not; it's no longer serving you. And it's when it's time to let it go. 

Jean Feldeisen  08:33

I had several favorite uncles who had doctorates. And I was smart. And I thought I should have one too.  it all sounded good on paper. But once I got into school, and sat listening to tedious arguments about obscure points, I was bored. I didn't, it didn't really fit with my, the rest of my life very well, and comparing it to playing the piano, I just didn't have the passion for it that I felt you would need to have in order to go through this torturous program of work that I would have to do plus this long commute and leaving my child at home, you know,

Jan M. Flynn  09:09

What would you say to somebody who's maybe considering a similar kind of 180  life change? Thinking, you know, I invested all this in this, you know, degree program and it's just I'm, you know, it's soul crushing. What would you say to them?

Jean Feldeisen  09:23

Well, I would say, find what you love and do it. You need to try things in order to find out what you'd like and what will work for you. But this is the important part. Don't do something just because you started it. Don't keep going. Just because somebody else thinks you should do it or you would be really good at it. Even if you are really good at it. I was really good at a lot of things, and you know, that was an obstacle at times. But you have to decide, like, okay, so I can do that. But what do I really love?

Jan M. Flynn

Yeah.

Jean Feldeisen

If it doesn't excite you, then try to move on.

Jan M. Flynn 

I get the sense that you've always had this powerful sort of inner, you know, guide. You're willing to make and pursue choices that might not seem obvious to other people. And what do you think has allowed you to do that?

Jean Feldeisen  10:12

I've always been a very determined and motivated person. I grew up with an extended family that doted on me for the most part, and I was encouraged and applauded for whatever I did. Every little thing I did, sometimes too much, so that you know. 

When I got to college, it was almost like I was a small fish in a large pond, you know, that syndrome. You know, like, because all through grade school and high school, I was this really successful person, and then college, it wasn't like that. It was a lot of work. But I mean, I was really encouraged a lot. 

So, I grew up believing that I could do whatever the heck I wanted. And my dad was a little bit of a downer about women. He refused to sign, to cosign my loan for college. And the bank president actually cosigned for me. Who happened to be a friend of my mother's. And he goes on my loan because my father wouldn't. He said you're just going to get married.

Jan M. Flynn  11:07

Not to defend him, but that was sort of the default attitude about women back then; if you went to college, it was to get your MRS Degree.

Jean Feldeisen

Right.

Jan M. Flynn

You're listening to Crow's Feet, Life as We Age, where our topic for this episode is reinventing ourselves as we move through life. And our guest is writer, therapist, fellow Crow's Feet podcast team member, and now published poet, Jean Feldeisen, who has reinvented herself a number of times. 

So, Jean, you mentioned that you are getting ready to wrap up your private practice in psychotherapy, devote yourself full-time to writing, and recently become a published poet. You've got two books of poetry released within the past year, which is quite an achievement. Would you share with us some of your journey as a poet and how those books came to be?

Jean Feldeisen

I started writing poetry as a kid, but I never showed it to anybody. And on my 70th birthday, for my birthday party, I sent out with, with the invitation, a poem, one of my poems, and nobody really made any remarks about it or anything, but, at that point, my poems were like, like baby bunnies ready to leap out of the nest or something. 

Jan M. Flynn

There's an image for you. 

Jean Feldeisen

They wanted to come out in public, you know, yeah. And a friend of mine suggested I start studying with this poet who had an online group. It was 2020. And I joined this group called Poetry Parlor and began working with the teacher and with other group members, giving feedback, listening to feedback, talking about poems, taking them apart, looking at ways to make them better, and that kind of thing, studying. And I just fell in love because I have always loved poetry. And suddenly, I had time to do this, and I had a pathway to actually making my poems better. 

So I started working seriously at learning all the poetry that had happened since I was in college. Fifty years ago, a lot of things have changed. And I started studying and writing and eventually submitting things to publications that I got a poem published here and then another one published there. And then I had enough work that I should actually showed my teacher, all my old poetry, and he was very kind, but, you know, some of it went away and some of it stayed. And it was really hard to listen to feedback about some of your precious babies that, you know, I've been copying over for years. But I did it. And once I got used to the idea and learned what I could do to make them better, that was, that was comforting, or yeah, it was exciting. So I began to just write a lot of poetry. 

And to make a long story short, last year, I put together a book with the help of a group. We all put together a chat book, and the chat book is a small collection of about twenty to thirty poems that have some links between them, some sort of thematic connection. So I put together this chat book and had twenty-two poems. It's dedicated to my mother, who died the year before. And it has some, a lot of poetry about, about my mother and my loss and my grieving and other and all kinds of other things. Some poems about nature, sort of combined, nature and, and relationships. So that was called Not All Are Weeping.

Jan M. Flynn  14:45

And that is all your poetry, right? 

Jean Feldeisen  14:50

That’s all my poetry. 

Jan M. Flynn 

You said you had sort of a team helping you with it.

Jean Feldeisen

The teamwork was people would actually take your list of poems and give them grades like one to five Horrible. I had to do it for theirs and they didn't mind. We learned how to do that and how to tell when a poem was a five or a three or a two and the ones you throw away. Yeah. So it was that kind of feedback that was really essential to making a really good book. And then we had to talk about like, what, what order do you put it in, order the poems so that they connect from, so that they flow nicely from poem to poem, and from section to section is quite really quite involved. 

Jan M. Flynn  15:25

So that's called Not All Are Weeping. And then you have another book.

Jean Feldeisen  15:29

Yes, this other book was self-published, my friend and I, Argy Nestor, began working on it about two years ago. And we wanted to do something fun together, and she’s an artist, a visual artist, and a teacher and I wrote poetry. So I gave her a bunch of my poems. We decided to do it about the seasons, around the seasons of the year. A rough idea of how to organize it. So I would give her poems, and she would make images to go with them. 

And then after a while, we decided, well, that's not fair, because I have the poems written already. So she's got images ready, why don't I write some poems about them? So I did. At the end, we did some that were sort of simultaneous, we decided what we wanted. And we did them together. So it's kind of a really interesting collageration, we call it a collageration because she does a lot of collage. 

Jan M. Flynn

Collageration?

Jean Feldeisen

So eventually, it turned into a book, and we wanted full artistic control of it. So we had it printed with a main printer. And it's really beautiful.

Jan M. Flynn

What's its title?

Jean Feldeisen

Its title is Catching Fireflies.

Jan M. Flynn  16:35

I happen to have a copy of both of your books, and they're beautiful. And you know, we'd like our listeners to be able to access those. So we will put links in the episode descriptions, but where can people find your books? 

Jean Feldeisen  16:48

My poetry book can be obtained from Main Street Rag publishing company. 

Jan M. Flynn  16:54

And that's Not All are Weeping.

Jean Feldeisen  16:58

That's Not All are Weeping, yes. My memoir, Dear Milly can be purchased on Amazon, because I did that through Kindle. And our Catching Fireflies you need to buy from us. Nobody else has it.

Jan M. Flynn  17:10

Wow, you got an exclusive copy! Well, again, we'll put those links in the show notes. Is there a poem from one of those books that you'd be willing to read? 

Jean Feldeisen  17:17

Sure. The poem I'm going to read is one I don't usually read in public because it's kind of long. And it's kind of confusing, maybe, but I like it because it talks about philosophy, about baking bread, bringing in the catering reference, and also about my search for meaning, looking for answers in life, and about finding them through nature. So the poem is called “At This Age While Making Bread”.

“I could pound out the meaning of life. After a lifetime working the question. Every philosopher needs pushes, pulls, smashes it down hard, on reason’s warped wooden board, or turns it over and over in hot hands until the ferment stops. Now just slop for the tired heap of overdone thought. 

For answers, I go alone. Lose myself in the forest. Wander deep between trees, wedge myself into dirt and lie down among snaking roots. 

I drop my clothes, my jewels, my leaves, go into my warm stump. The center where snow or wind cannot enter. 

Be still until meaning is as clear as the sap crystallizing there. Stepped over by tall deer and tiny mouse legs. 

Know from below the stench of high stepping skunk, the acrid fox flash. Wait until the ice-glazed leaf cracks in spring. 

The stump wood full of sap burns hot then, despite my wandering, the bread waits, though it wants more proof, and we will need the high heat before we're through.”

Jan M. Flynn  19:18

That's lovely. Thank you for sharing that I love the multi-layered meaning and all of those images. 

Jean Feldeisen

Thank you.

Jan M. Flynn

So again, we'll provide links in our episode description for where folks can find more of your, your poetry, your memoir, and you also write on Medium you write a lot for Crow's Feet. So people should look you up there. 

And you've shared with me that you're preparing to phase out your private psychotherapy practice and begin a whole new chapter in which you dive full-time into writing. What do you find most challenging and most exciting about this new chapter that you're embarking on? And based on it, what would you say to somebody who wants to make a significant change, but doesn't know how or feels reluctant or maybe feels stuck, because they've invested so much in the direction they're already going in.

Jean Feldeisen  20:10

I think the most challenging thing about this new career is I don't have an MFA. And lots of the people in that, in this field do. And I thought about going back to school, and my husband even encouraged me to do it. But I got to thinking that I'd really done enough school in my life, and I really would enjoy If I can just to have that sandbox, kid in the sandbox feeling about poetry, I'd like to be able to sit down at my desk, and like, you have all these words and just put, what do I want to make with it? You know, what do I want to make today? I like that idea of just being free to do what I want.

Jan M. Flynn  20:49

And not a bad thing. And also, maybe not a bad thing to feel like it's okay to go ahead without some external, you know, stamp of approval, or you know, somebody else's permission, you're giving yourself permission. 

Jean Feldeisen  21:02

One of the other things that having a degree might have helped with, is the having connections in the education field or in the literary world, because I don't have any. And that's been a kind of a struggle trying to make connections one at a time. For me, I don't have that background of colleagues and teachers and stuff that would help maybe promote my work or help me get further along. But I don't know, I decided it wasn't, wasn't important enough. 

Jan M. Flynn  21:30

Well, and you've already got two books out, one of which was accepted really quickly after you submitted it to the publisher. So I think that's like within days. That's pretty unusual. So I think you're doing okay there. 

Are there any challenges that you feel like you haven't met yet that you that you feel kind of are still, maybe in your way, sort of niggling at you?

Jean Feldeisen  21:50

Well, yes. And the challenge has to do with playing the piano in public, my fear of playing the piano in public of totally freezing on a stage in front of an audience goes way back to my college days, I actually took all those courses for a degree in music and decided I couldn't face the senior recital. So I stopped, just stopped. 

Jan M. Flynn  22:14

That was really that fear of performing and freezing onstage that stopped you in your tracks, even though you would have preferred to go ahead.

Jean Feldeisen  22:22

I didn't say it out loud to myself, I don't think, but it was a fear. I believe that was. That's probably true. Again, I'd like to improve my willingness to do that. And that's one of the things I'm working on. I practice the piano every day for an hour. And I'm really devoted to that. And I used to teach piano, so I know how to do it. And I know how different techniques to use and ways to practice and stuff like that. But, I do need somebody to kind of push me out onto a stage. And let me play something really easy and just start to get over this fear. 

As a therapist, one of my mottos was, if you are afraid of something, you got to go do it, go do it. And to do it until you're not afraid anymore. Because I don't like that. That feeling of being afraid.

Jan M. Flynn  23:10

Maybe the takeaway there is that no matter how far we've come in life, there's always another challenge. There's always more terrain to explore. As long as we're alive.

Jean Feldeisen  23:22

Yeah. And that's really a good thing, isn't it? I'm so glad there's more terrain to explore. I wouldn't like to already know everything or to be fully actualized yet. I don't want to be fully actualized yet.

Jan M. Flynn  23:35

Okay, well, we are getting close to the end of our time. So as we draw to a close, just like we often do with our other group, Crow's Feet, guests, as I know, you know, we like to have three quick questions that you just answered real quick off the top of your head. So first, what about your own aging surprises you?

Jean Feldeisen  23:53

The quick answer is it got here so fast.

Jan M. Flynn  23:59

I hear you. And second, what would you, if you could, what would you tell your 25-year-old self? 

Jean Feldeisen  24:06

I would tell myself to slow down, sit on the floor and play with your daughter. Have fun. Stop worrying about what you're going to be when you grow up. Just be now. Just be. 

Jan M. Flynn  24:20

Interesting. And last, what are you still trying to figure out about aging? 

Jean Feldeisen  24:25

Well I want to get to the point where I'm one of those sassy, older women who can just waltz out onto the floor to a public piano and whip off a polished piece that, you've learned and then walk away. l.

Jan M. Flynn  24:41

Cool. Trailing your gown. I love that.

Jean Feldeisen  24:45

Trailing my gown. Yes.

Jan M. Flynn  24:46

Yes. I want to be the feisty old lady on top of the piano singing the torch song while you play it. 

Jean Feldeisen

Yes, yes. 

Jan M. Flynn

That sounds like fun.

Jean Feldeisen

We can have an act.

Jan M. Flynn

Yeah, we could, we could. Well there's, there's a dream to make come true. Jean, you continue to inspire me. It has been such a pleasure speaking with you. And thank you so much for being my guest.

Jean Feldeisen  25:08

And thank you for having me, Jan, and I look forward to more conversations.

Voice Over  25:17

And as we close out, as a special bonus, we're going to listen to Jean start over and go slower with another piece. And thanks for joining us on this episode. From all the Crow's Feet podcast crew, executive producer Nancy Peckingham. Along with George “Ace” Acevedo, Elizabeth Allen, Lee Bentch, Melinda Blau, Jean Feldeisen, Jane Trombley, Nancy Franklin, and me, Jan M. Flynn. Editing and sound design by Rich Halton.